Tuesday, April 2, 2019
The snowball effect: Awww, you have the flu?
The snowball effect: Awww, you have the flu?: I woke up with an unexpected visitor this morning. You guessed it, the flu. Home alone, unable to move, shivering under three blankets,...
Awww, you have the flu?
I woke up with an unexpected visitor this morning. You guessed it, the flu.
Home alone, unable to move, shivering under three blankets, on a heating pad, and waiting for my husband to come home with some Theraflu in 5 hours, I was miserable. Don't get me wrong, I still feel like crap, but I can at least write as I lay in my bed.
The reason for this quick post is to say that I had a momentary thought of feeling guilty for having my husband take care of me, the kids play without me, and dinner served without my help.
However, that guilt left immediately because I could justify all of that because I am physically sick. The kids and husband understand and accommodate without question. Of course, they don't want whatever it is that I have, but it's "culturally normal" to let sick people rest and give them time to get better.
This got me thinking, why is it not okay that we allow mental health days? Sometimes my struggles with bipolar or other emotional issues are interfering with my daily life almost as much as this stupid flu is.
Where is the support from family and friends when we're having a really tough day? Who is offering the emotional equivalent to soup, medicine, or puke bags?
You see, when I'm sick, people can identify what is wrong and relate. The same cannot always be said for mental health struggles. Many people find them to be something awkward or even something that "makes" the person unstable and therefore a weak link.
I've been told many things like that. I've been called inconsistent, agitated, short fused, etc. However, when I don't feel well physically I am told to get some rest, take care of myself, and don't come back until I'm healthy.
Why aren't we giving the same grace to ones with unseen illnesses? Not just mental health, but all...
For now, I will take advantage of my caring family and rest, but please ponder this and even evaluate your own past behaviors or responses that have sent the wrong signal to someone hurting.
Have a great week!
Home alone, unable to move, shivering under three blankets, on a heating pad, and waiting for my husband to come home with some Theraflu in 5 hours, I was miserable. Don't get me wrong, I still feel like crap, but I can at least write as I lay in my bed.
The reason for this quick post is to say that I had a momentary thought of feeling guilty for having my husband take care of me, the kids play without me, and dinner served without my help.
However, that guilt left immediately because I could justify all of that because I am physically sick. The kids and husband understand and accommodate without question. Of course, they don't want whatever it is that I have, but it's "culturally normal" to let sick people rest and give them time to get better.
This got me thinking, why is it not okay that we allow mental health days? Sometimes my struggles with bipolar or other emotional issues are interfering with my daily life almost as much as this stupid flu is.
Where is the support from family and friends when we're having a really tough day? Who is offering the emotional equivalent to soup, medicine, or puke bags?
You see, when I'm sick, people can identify what is wrong and relate. The same cannot always be said for mental health struggles. Many people find them to be something awkward or even something that "makes" the person unstable and therefore a weak link.
I've been told many things like that. I've been called inconsistent, agitated, short fused, etc. However, when I don't feel well physically I am told to get some rest, take care of myself, and don't come back until I'm healthy.
Why aren't we giving the same grace to ones with unseen illnesses? Not just mental health, but all...
For now, I will take advantage of my caring family and rest, but please ponder this and even evaluate your own past behaviors or responses that have sent the wrong signal to someone hurting.
Have a great week!
Thursday, March 28, 2019
The snowball effect: Bipolar Parenting
The snowball effect: Bipolar Parenting: As a mother of three, wife to one, and friend to many, it can often be hard to keep up with the house, important school dates, and relation...
Tuesday, March 26, 2019
Bipolar Parenting
As a mother of three, wife to one, and friend to many, it can often be hard to keep up with the house, important school dates, and relationships, all while trying to keep my head above water. Sure, many parents have it even harder with more kids, more activities, split parenting, and the pressures of jobs on top of it, but for me it goes beyond the surface...
BIPOLAR PARENTING
What is that you may ask? Maybe you related as soon as you saw the title of this blog. Maybe you are thinking, I wonder if I "have that"... Wherever you're at, know that you're not alone.
I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder several years ago, which was a blessing in a strange way. I was so angry, constantly yelling at my kids, so full of hatred for people and life. My husband is the most patient man I know. He put up with my behavior with grace. I lashed out at him in every way possible. I was a terrible wife and a less than stellar mother. I started counseling with a couple dear friends and before long it became evident that my emotions were much deeper than anger. They suggested that I talk to my doctor and sure enough, with very little discussion, the doctor agreed with their conclusion. He had been seeing me for several years and was familiar with my ups and downs, but didn't realize it spread throughout to my day to day life.
Of course, I realize that this is a life long disorder that can be managed but not cured by medication, but I was relieved to know that I wasn't simply a horrible person. People who knew me then would likely say that I'm not capable of being mean or moody, but that's because I hid it from nearly everyone in my life besides my family. My family, including parents and siblings, were the unfortunate beneficiaries of my outbursts and bad attitude. However, now I had a reason behind my behavior. I now knew that I could at least work on controlling my emotions better.
Let me tell you though, medication alone is not the fix. I've been through so many medications, counseling sessions, classes that forced me to look within and work on me, etc. Those have all been extremely beneficial to me, but it doesn't fix the problem. As well as my meds help me out, I still find myself in lows that seem to come out of nowhere.
I can be on a high for 2-3 weeks, then suddenly sink down into a low that lasts 10 days-2 weeks. Unfortunately there isn't an alert that goes out to my friends and family letting them know that Lisa is tanking. I don't even realize it until I'm in the thick of it some days. I've gotten better, but just because I know it's there doesn't mean I can somehow get out of it.
This leads me to the bipolar parenting part. I know I'm not alone when I say that I confuse my kids all the time. They aren't quite capable of understanding hormonal imbalances, life circumstances, and emotional upheaval. I find myself being short and snippy, too tired to listen to them, too depressed to cook or clean, and way too low to even try to communicate with my husband. My kids are troopers who have navigated my emotional roller coaster for years, but that doesn't make it easier to put them through this, even though it is unintentional.
One day I'm playing outside with them, chasing them around the house, and cuddling them to the point of excessive attention. The next day I can hide out in my room and ask the 13 year old to make dinner and clean up the house. Is it fair that they have to go through this with me?
In the coming blogs I want to be real about the ups and down that come with bipolar parenting.
These are real issues and daily struggles for so many. If you relate, please follow my blog for updates.
Talk soon,
Lisa
BIPOLAR PARENTING
What is that you may ask? Maybe you related as soon as you saw the title of this blog. Maybe you are thinking, I wonder if I "have that"... Wherever you're at, know that you're not alone.
I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder several years ago, which was a blessing in a strange way. I was so angry, constantly yelling at my kids, so full of hatred for people and life. My husband is the most patient man I know. He put up with my behavior with grace. I lashed out at him in every way possible. I was a terrible wife and a less than stellar mother. I started counseling with a couple dear friends and before long it became evident that my emotions were much deeper than anger. They suggested that I talk to my doctor and sure enough, with very little discussion, the doctor agreed with their conclusion. He had been seeing me for several years and was familiar with my ups and downs, but didn't realize it spread throughout to my day to day life.
Of course, I realize that this is a life long disorder that can be managed but not cured by medication, but I was relieved to know that I wasn't simply a horrible person. People who knew me then would likely say that I'm not capable of being mean or moody, but that's because I hid it from nearly everyone in my life besides my family. My family, including parents and siblings, were the unfortunate beneficiaries of my outbursts and bad attitude. However, now I had a reason behind my behavior. I now knew that I could at least work on controlling my emotions better.
Let me tell you though, medication alone is not the fix. I've been through so many medications, counseling sessions, classes that forced me to look within and work on me, etc. Those have all been extremely beneficial to me, but it doesn't fix the problem. As well as my meds help me out, I still find myself in lows that seem to come out of nowhere.
I can be on a high for 2-3 weeks, then suddenly sink down into a low that lasts 10 days-2 weeks. Unfortunately there isn't an alert that goes out to my friends and family letting them know that Lisa is tanking. I don't even realize it until I'm in the thick of it some days. I've gotten better, but just because I know it's there doesn't mean I can somehow get out of it.
This leads me to the bipolar parenting part. I know I'm not alone when I say that I confuse my kids all the time. They aren't quite capable of understanding hormonal imbalances, life circumstances, and emotional upheaval. I find myself being short and snippy, too tired to listen to them, too depressed to cook or clean, and way too low to even try to communicate with my husband. My kids are troopers who have navigated my emotional roller coaster for years, but that doesn't make it easier to put them through this, even though it is unintentional.
One day I'm playing outside with them, chasing them around the house, and cuddling them to the point of excessive attention. The next day I can hide out in my room and ask the 13 year old to make dinner and clean up the house. Is it fair that they have to go through this with me?
In the coming blogs I want to be real about the ups and down that come with bipolar parenting.
- How do the kids handle me?
- How does my husband find it in him to be supportive?
- Suicide
- Support systems needed
- Personal relationships
- Vulnerability
For resources regarding children/teens with mental health concerns, click here
Talk soon,
Lisa
Wednesday, January 23, 2019
HEALED IN AN INSTANT
What I didn't realize at the time is that I had also injured my ribs. The pain in other areas was so prevalent that I didn't realize I had an issue in my ribs. They weren't broken or anything like that, however the impact of the accident caused them to shift and all the muscles were straining causing intense pain.
While on a weekend trip in Michigan I began to feel pain intensifying as I walked around. I had spasms every 30 seconds or so that would create a burning effect and prevent me from standing up straight. My back was tight, pain radiated throughout the right side of my rib cage, and I was struggling to get comfortable in any position.
I was blessed to have friends take me to the doctor who figured out what was going on. He tried chiropractic manipulation and asked that I come back in two weeks for evaluation and another manipulation, assuming it'd take several weeks for full healing to occur. I left the doctor grateful for an answer but so frustrated that this pain would go on even longer. I couldn't sit or stand without burning pain and spasms. I went to bed in tears. I was so fed up with pain and struggling with mobility. I cried out to God, "please fix me"!!
HE HEARD ME!
That Sunday at church my husband told me that he felt like I needed to have a friend, Allen, pray for me because he carries the gift of healing. I shrugged it off, being that I had lost hope of ever feeling better. My husband persisted so I went over to Allen and asked that he pray for me.
As he prayed, my husband's hand was on my back with Allen's on top of his. Joe, my husband, noted that Allen's hand was so HOT! As they prayed I literally felt my ribs shift ever so slightly. It's like they expanded and moved to the left, then settled into place. I didn't say anything at the time because I was so afraid that it was just wishful thinking.
Sunday afternoon I realized that I was sitting without extreme pain. Sunday evening I went to a group gathering expecting to be extremely uncomfortable, yet had no discomfort. The group leader, Denny, noted that he had noticed that too.
As Monday came along I was feeling 80% better. I still had some soreness, but it was not chronic pain. Tuesday I was 90% pain free and by midweek I had experienced complete healing. I was HEALED!!
God required just a mustard seed of faith and obedience in listening to what He had told my husband. He heard my cry of desperation. He saw the struggle and chose to heal my body, preventing weeks of discomfort, lack of mobility, and anxiety that come with it.
Never doubt that God hears you. He may not always respond the way you want Him to, but He hears you and He wants to see you whole. I NEEDED these past 9 months of pain to teach me how to rest. I needed to learn how to take care of myself. I wouldn't have been forced to put me first if I had been well all this time. I had become a professional codependent. I was so afraid of letting my family, my boss, my church family, and my friends down that I pushed myself to my breaking point.
I've since learned that the produce market my husband and I direct will go on without me. My husband and children can function without my full attention. I learned that I can even surrender my job to Him, knowing that His will is being done in my life. Resigning to become a volunteer is not often heard of, but I am at peace with my decision. I am putting ME first. I am taking unnecessary pressure off of myself and walking in the mysteries that God offers to me.
I choose to surrender to His good and perfect plan for me. I choose to walk in the healing that He has performed in me. I choose to use this story as a testimony for Him.
Why do I say all this?
He wants to see us whole, but many times the journey is more important than the destination. I needed the valley in order to appreciate the gift of this mountain top. There will always be struggles, but I am much more willing to embrace them now that I have the experiential knowledge of how powerful they can be in leading me to a point of emotional, mental, and physical health.
God is so good!!
Tuesday, January 8, 2019
PREGNANT AGAIN?
Nine months, that's how long it takes to grow a child inside of you.
Those nine months are full of sickness, fatigue, and pain, but also so full of joy, excitement, expectation, and so much more. The thing is, that at the end of the pregnancy, there is usually a beautiful bundle of joy who suddenly replaces the memories of the struggle. Someone who's eyes can make everything around you stop. This person, in a way, rescues us just at our breaking points, when we feel like we're going to explode physically and emotionally.
Isn't that how life is sometimes? Changes come, we get nervously uncomfortable, but we adapt. As time goes by and things get more difficult, we start to wonder if we made a mistake. Am I ready to be a parent? Am I qualified for this job? Am I_____??? The questions and fear of the unknowns seem to overwhelm the mind and convince us that we heard God wrong or that we must have screwed up somewhere because things are harder than we imagined.
However, just when we think we are going to crack under pressure, something shifts. The time comes when there is finally relief. Whether it be closure in a situation or the beginning of something wonderful, the "birthing" phase comes and relieves the discomfort and frustration that has been bottled up for so long. For me, God steps in...
These past nine months or so have been extremely challenging for me. I got a new job with a non-profit that I absolutely love the mission of. I finally felt like I was where I belong. My heart and mind were in it 100%.
I was working out a few times a week, pushing myself harder each time, and left each workout feeling strong and accomplished.
Then, something happened... (cue metaphorical pregnancy) I was in a workout with a friend and her husband, who pushes us hard, when my bicep curls went from possible to impossible in a moment's time. Normally, I'd write it off, but this was my strong and dominant arm. My left was lifting fine and my right would not move. I looked at my friend confused and frustrated because I didn't get to finish my set. I didn't think too much more of it after that though, dismissing it as a "bad workout".
Since I began working out last October, 2017, I pushed myself more and more, so when my neck began to hurt I assumed it was related and pushed through it. I didn't want to be the wussy who quit because she hurt. However, as time went on it became clear that something was wrong.
I eventually got it checked out and was referred to a Neurosurgeon for evaluation. He immediately recommended cervical disc replacement surgery. I had a badly degenerated disc that was pinching the nerves, to the point of tingling and struggling with tremors daily, in addition to suffering from chronic neck pain.
This predicament put me in quite a pickle with regard to work. I had just begun to settle into my job, bring on volunteers, and connect with others in the nom-profit community. I loved my job. I loved helping people. However, the stress of the caseload, along with the pain stole the joy right from me. I became tired, moody, unfocused, and inconsistent.
September 21st I had my neck surgery. I expected to be up and around within a couple of weeks because I knew others had been after the same surgery. However, it didn't go that way. The pain was extreme, I wasn't sleeping well, I was bored out of my mind, and becoming very frustrated with the fact that I was not capable of going back to work. I tried a couple of times and each time I became overwhelmed, both physically and mentally. I went through a time of grief. I was grieving the health I once had, the excitement toward my job, the activity level I lost with regard to my children, and the body that I was achieving. In just months my world had been changed. I had gone from joyfully working out and loving my job to this.
 |
| The other car :( |
That night I went to the ER to get checked out, but it wasn't until the last several days that I began to have intense rib/back pain. The pain is so intense that I can't stand up straight without excruciating pain. Last night the doctor informed me that I have several ribs out of place due to the impact during the accident. So, not only did my neck healing get setback, but now I am back to limited mobility and high pain levels that inhibit me from engaging in physical activities with the kids, working out, or simply driving.
It's beyond frustrating, but I am learning to surrender to the mysteries God has in my plan. He knows what is going on and I trust Him with me.
*More on those mysteries in the next entry*
I share this part of my 2018 for a couple of reasons:
1. Simply to update you on life
2. To say that none of us are exempt from curveballs or struggles.
3. To say that none of us are exempt from being able to choose joy.
I encourage you to choose joy in whatever you're going through. I don't enjoy all I'm dealing with, but I find things to be joyful about and thankful for as often as I can.
I have a wonderfully supportive and loving family, along with close friends who literally do anything to help me in my time of need. #choosejoy
Choices tend to have a snowball effect. What kind of "ball" are you rolling?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)